Laughter Medicine – Some Humour & Jokes for All!

Below are some jokes, funny stories and little bits of humour that Mark has compiled over the years that he has found quite humorous, and hopes you find the same. As they say, life should never be too serious not to be able to stop and enjoy a good laugh. Please enjoy.

* Note; some of the jokes may push the boundaries of political correctness, being sexist or possibly even slightly offensive. We hope you enjoy them in the spirit of a good laugh, and don’t mean to offend anyone.

Bacteria – support bacteria, it’s the only culture some people have – Stevie Wright

Nutritionist to client.

Nutritionist: What Do you eat?
Client: Oh a normal diet. You know …Chicken, beef, fish, cheese, I like nuts, occasionally my wife sneaks a bit of fruit or veggies, I also like cereal, toast, scones & coffee.
Nutritionist: Wow, that’s quite a good variety.
Client: Yeah, well I got to make it through to lunchtime.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me – Anonymous

If God wanted me to touch my toes she would have put them on my knees.

What do you call a man who has lost 80% of his Intelligence? A widower

All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand – Stevie Wright

Wife to her overweight husband: Last night there were two pieces of cake in this pantry and now there is only one. How do you explain that?
Husband: I guess it was so dark that I didn’t see the other piece.

The older I get, the better I was

Why Coffee Is Better Than Men

A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
You won’t fall asleep after having some.
You can always warm coffee up.
It comes with endless refills.
You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
And you can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.

HAPPINESS is having a large, loving, caring, closeknit family – in another country. (not at all true for me but thought it was funny)

Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back – Stevie Wright

HAPPINESS lies in good health and bad memory – Ingrid Bergman

Research has just found that there are only 4 types of men – highly intelligent, compassionate, kind-hearted & ………. the overwhelming majority

A Female brain cell was accidentally inserted into a man’s brain – “Hello” …”Hello” echo – “Is there anybody here/?”
…..echo and a short pause – “We’re down here”

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up
– Nash

You have reached middle age when all you exercise is caution.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One – he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What’s the best way to always remember your wife’s birthday? Forget it once!

The Brain is a most wonderful organ. It starts first thing in the morning and doesn’t stop until you get to work” – Robert Frost

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals”.

It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, unless you lose.

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, “Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you dislike the most – your boss.”

So the man agreed and made his first wish. “I want lots of money”, he said.

Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man’s bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss’ account.

For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborgini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss’ house appeared two of each car.

Finally the genie said, “This is your last wish, you should choose carefully”, and so the man replied… “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney…”

A doctor tells his old patient: “Mr. Jones, the last check you gave me came back”.
The patient answers: “Then we are even, Doc. So did my arthritis”.

I intend to live forever — so far, so good – Stevie Wright

Women would generally much rather beauty than brains – because they know men can see much better than they can think

Great Joke for anyone ever Caught Speeding

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?

Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure, Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who’s car is this?

Driver: It’s mine officer, here’s the owner’ card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening the trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet the lying b*****d told you I was speeding too.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Stevie Wright

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

Hear about the dog who gave birth to puppies on the side of the road – unfortunately he was cited for littering.

Did u hear about the race b/w the two silk worms? They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Did u hear about the two hats that were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway? One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

Did u hear about the midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison? He was a small medium at large.

Did u hear about the soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray? He is now a seasoned veteran.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

Did u hear about the two fish who swam into a concrete wall? One turned to the other and says ‘Dam!’

Did u hear about the two Eskimos sitting in a kayak and were so chilly they lit a fire in the craft? Well it sank thus proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

Did u hear about the person who sent ten puns to his/her friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh? No pun in ten did.